IN SECRET experiments that will not be declassified until the year 2525, government scientists tested a new superglue—one that is 10,000 times stronger than regular superglue—by trying to keep John Mayer’s mouth shut with it. The result was such a catastrophic failure that several small governments around the world were toppled and everyone involved mysteriously disappeared. Except for Mayer, of course, who escaped unscathed with his self-proclaimed white-supremacist penis. So, it’s official: absolutely nothing will shut this guy up. Oh, except for playing his songs—remember when that was that was the reason people listened to him in the first place? I’m talking about the fact that the boy could always play guitar. Mayer can burn through a solo that combines the best of blues and rock like nobody since Stevie Ray Vaughan. Whatever, he’s young yet, and his career will outlast his Jessica Simpson interview—and Jessica Simpson.
JOHN MAYER performs Friday (March 26) at 7pm at HP Pavilion, 525 W. Santa Clara St, San Jose. Tickets are $36–$76; 408.287.9200.
