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September
99 Percent Get a Clue
The #Occupy movement begins with protesters taking up residence in New York’s Zuccotti Park in financial district. Fox News decries unfair, one-sided class war, asking what the message is. Protestors hold up bevy of signs declaring their message in response. Fox asks what the symbols on the signs mean. Protestors explain that they are letters, often used to make words. Fox remains baffled.
He Listened to the Dionne Warwick Song
President Obama visits San Jose for the first time, but his only stop is the Fairmont Hotel. He then travels to Mountain View, a place where many geographically confused bands yell “San Francisco” during their concerts.
Only in California
Lady Gaga dines at the home of Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg to lobby Obama to take action to stop schoolyard bullying. At least that’s what we’re assuming since she showed up in a dress made up of stolen lunch money and post-wedgy underwear.
And, in Other Nudes…
Despite thinning ranks that left them scrambling to keep up with the violent crime wave that swept the city, San Jose police officers found time to cite three waitresses at Quyen Cafe on Tully Road for serving customers while topless. The women, aged 22, 22 and 23, were charged with public nudity.
Solyndra Criminal Investigation
FBI raids Solyndra. Chief executive Brian Harrison and chief financial officer Wilbur G. Stover of bankrupt solar panel manufacturer Solyndra plead the Fifth Amendment before a Congressional subcommittee.
Biker Clubs Lose Their Cool at Casino
San Jose Hells Angels leader Jeffrey “Jethro” Pettigrew is gunned down by a member of the Vagos Motorcycle Club on the casino floor of John Ascuaga’s Nugget Casino Resort in Sparks, Nevada. He was a heavy equipment operator for the city of San Jose’s Department of Transportation.
HP Cans Its CEO
After the revelation that the HP’s board didn’t even meet with controversial HP CEO L–o Apotheker before giving him the gig, he’s replaced with former eBay CEO (and gubernatorial candidate) Meg Whitman.
How To Kill a Successful Company
Netflix CEO Reed Hastings announces that Netflix will spin off its DVD business into a separate entity called Qwikster, while reserving the Netflix domain exclusively for streaming content. Users balk at the thought of a second set of usernames and passwords. Stock plunges to 143 points on Sept. 20.
