Dear Vendela and Dave,

First off, I would like to apologize for calling you by your first names when you don't even know me from Adam's off ox. Second, I would like to apologize for how awkward it will seem to you when we finally meet someday, perhaps outside the bathroom at a smug literary conference or maybe at one of the 826 outposts across the country that I worship with a cultish fervor. I will speak in a mad rush and tumble and my face will grow red as a tomato, and you will probably grow uncomfortable as you sense the underlying animosity below my praise and how my adoration is mixed with a hateful jealousy of your success and the fact that you obviously can do nothing wrong, just like that damned Miranda July (whom you probably meet up with for soy mate lattes, like, every other day). It's you handsome, prolific, wealthy, philanthropic, community-hero types that make the rest of us look bad. I can't lay on my couch, eating doughnuts and watching Entourage all day knowing that you're out there, writing award-winning novels and movie scripts and editing intellectual magazines and starting literacy centers for low-income kids across the United States. Damn you Golden Boy and Girl, damn you! Can't you just chill? OK, I'm sorry for that too.

Dave Eggers and Vendela Vida appear Thursday, April 7, at the Jackson Theater. 440 Day School Place, Santa Rosa. 7pm. $10-$15. 707.284.3200.

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