Halloween is right around the corner and you’re short on time and ideas. You need something quick. Current events. Celebrities. What happened this year? Stop and take a deep breath. A costume that bombs can lead to years of regret. Here’s seven getups to avoid unless you’re into fellow partiers throwing shade.
Ebola
Anyone dumb enough to get dressed up like the one deformed crunchy Cheeto¨ strand that hides in every bag should realize that pandemic virus costumes are about as funny as thousands of people dying of dysentery and dehydration. Do you see anyone dressing up these days like HIV or AIDS? And when did quarantines become a hoot? Your grandmother would be so disappointed—that’s assuming you would even bother to pick up the phone and call. You’re a terrible grandchild. What if she’s fallen?
Malaysia Flight 370
Taking the real-life equivalent of the show Lost and turning a mysterious tragedy into a costume would work better if you just got lost. Look over there! It’s a tar pit! Let’s go swimming!
Uh, you first.
Amanda Bynes
Who the fuck is Amanda Bynes? Honestly, who is she? Has she done anything important? Am I just too old to know? I’m hip, man. I’ve been around. Who is she?!!!!!! Oh, she suffers from mental illness. What is wrong with you people?
Hipster Nerd
This one stopped working around the time the NBA’s best players started wearing thick-rimmed, glassless glasses, bowties and tight plaid shirts to their post-game press conferences. You want to be a hipster? There’s only cool way to go: Hipster Jesus. And Jared Leto has got that shit on lock.
Vampire
When I was in high school my mom bought me a deluxe vampire costume. All of my friends had silly, half-assed costumes—which is the way to go unless you’re going to sex it up—while I showed up looking like the opening night of Phantom of the Opera. I had a cape and ruffled shirt and enough white makeup on to make it seem like Dracula just walked out of a bathroom stall with Charlie Sheen. The only thing worse than looking like you’re trying too hard on Halloween is wearing a costume that won’t come off when it’s time to get laid. And I definitely did not that night.
Terrorist
So you want to be Kim Kardashian. Ha. Kidding. ISIS and other suicide-bombing extremists are way worse than the world’s most vapid celebutante. That caboose troll just wants people to forget that she sprung to fame by getting rear-ended on camera and now spends her days promoting plastic surgery and selfie-books while boosting Kanye’s ego to heights he didn’t even know existed—no higher power!—and stealing kids’ money one app purchase at a time. Seriously, she’s not a terrorist. She just plays one on TV.
Ray Rice
(and his knocked-out-then-fiance-now-wife Janay Rice)
Domestic violence isn’t funny and black face is clearly racist, but there’s a way to spin this costume. Unfortunately, most white people have shown the imagination of newts, using a #27 football jersey, dark makeup and a blow-up doll, mannequin or even cosmically unaware significant other to play the role of victim. The only way to do this costume is to dress up as Ray Rice—sans black face, unless you’re actually black—while holding a sign that says: “I beat up my wife because I am a horrible person with possible brain damage.”
