New Line Cinema did not screen Snakes on a Plane for the press—an odd move for a much-hyped summer blockbuster. (Isn't it usually lousy kid-friendly movies starring Chevy Chase or Carrot Top that get withheld from critics before the release date?) So because we here at Metroactive are as unsure as the viewing public about what sort of action-movie clichés will go down during Samuel L. Jackson's latest opus, we've come up with our own ideas for what's going to happen or what ought to happen. Print out this checklist and bring it along with you to what has to be the all-time greatest motion picture ever made in the history of mankind (to borrow the words of the Will Ferrell version of James Lipton during those Inside the Actors Studio parody sketches).

Richard von Busack:

Guy gets bit on the dingus.

Wild-eyed priest aboard says snakes are sign of the apocalypse.

Samuel Jackson flies plane by himself.

"Maybe we're the real snakes on this plane...maybe we humans have always been the snakes, all along."

Busty girl gets bit right on the boob.

Snake swallows tail, rolls down the gangway, hoop-snake wise.

The in-flight movie is the cartoon version of The Jungle Book, with Kaa the snake singing "Come to Me" to Mowgli.

Foaming mad, Samuel L. french-braids two fer de lances with his bare hands.

Sniveling coward who pushes aside women and children finds place of temporary safety, but gets bit worse than everyone on eyes, nose, dingus.

Suckling baby almost gets bit by mistaking rattler for rattle.

Snake hides in toilet, pounces up.

Turbulence.

Lightning, thunder.

Snake vs. fire extinguisher.

Jerk of a co-pilot, previously seen ogling Playboy centerfold, shouts "Mayday! Mayday!" into a microphone until anaconda crunches him.

Some knob says farewell to a picture of his wife and kids before the venom kills him.

Some other knob kisses his crucifix as he kacks, as a little religious present to all of those god-botherers out there in Rumproast, Nebraska.

"I was in Iraq, and this is worse!"

Herpetologist, kicked out of the Association of Serpent Scientists because of his unconquerable terror of snakes, redeems himself by a last act of bravery before he gets chomped.

Jackson gets all Biblical again: "YOU BROOD OF VIPERS! WHO WARNED YOU TO FLEE FROM THE WRATH TO COME?"—Matthew 3:7

White kid talks ghetto, gets bit.

Snake(s) bite two would-be members of the "Mile-High" club in mid-sexual congress. One of the two mistakes snake-venomed partner's death rattle for high passion. Then they get bit, too.

Jackson rides on the landing gear all the way down to the runway, swatting snakes with his free hand.

Steve Palopoli:

Snake slithers through a high-heel shoe.

Snake in overhead baggage compartment. (I will donate 500 bucks to the charity of Sam Jackson's choosing if this doesn't happen.)

Movie sucks.

Jimmy Aquino:

Obligatory Asian villain—according to the trailer, he's the one who plants the snakes on the plane—has obligatory flute-scored scene where he's plotting his next move while practicing martial arts.

Unfunny pothead comic relief character (a la Jack Black in I Still Know What You Did Last Summer) mistakes snake for bong.

Product placement alert! Kenan Thompson mistakes snake for bag of Chee-tos.

The dog survives.

The interaction between Asexual L. Jackson and Julianna Margulies is occasionally flirtatious but never physical. Apparently an interracial kiss is more frightening to red-staters than snakes on a muthafuckin' plane.

The climax ends with Jackson delivering some bad-pun one-liner while offing the biggest, baddest and most undefeatable snake: "Hiss hiss bang bang, muthafucka!"

The movie's final shot shows a pile of snake eggs buried underneath the plane wreckage. Can you say "direct-to-video sequel"?

Michael S. Gant:

Samuel L. slaps some sense into a hysterical passenger; now calm, passenger says, "Thanks, I needed that."

S.L.J. kicks asp!

Plane almost crashes as impromptu landing. Pilot says, "I thought you said aim for the 'pythons,' not the 'pylons.'"

In subplot, villains break and enter Sam's apartment and gratuitously torture and kill his loveable harmless garter snake. When Sam learns of incident he declares, "This time, it's personal!"

At hilarious shot-just-this-week scene in airport, passengers are required to dump their toothpaste and hair gel, but screeners ignore people carrying skinny six-foot long snake-shaped suitcases onto the plane.

Submitted by a reader named "big pun":

S L J says to pilot after he requests Sammy to fly the plane, "Do I look like a bitch?"

Thanks for the submission, big pun. Didn't know you came back from the dead. 'Still Not a Player' was the joint!

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