MR. CONSPIRACY PRESENTS: The Bridge School Benefit Conspiracy!: "OK, so you know how nobody understands the lyrics to that Neil Young song 'After the Gold Rush,' right? And you know how nobody knows how they pick the lineup for the Bridge School Benefit every year? Well then, obviously, 'After the Gold Rush' is the key to understanding the lineup. See, the 'knights in armor' are Neil and his wife, 'cause they run the school and Neil headlines, then the 'queen' that they're saying something about is Gwen Stefani, who's playing with No Doubt. What do you mean, why? Isn't it obvious? The 'peasants singing' are the Fleet Foxes, and the 'drummers drumming' are the Monsters of Folk. Don't tell me I have to explain that to you! The 'archer' is Jimmy Buffet, because he 'splits the tree' by only playing on Saturday, see? Or maybe that's Adam Sandler, because he only plays on Sunday. Anyway, 'mother nature' has to be Sheryl Crow, 'cause she's the only girl left, I think. Then 'full moon in my eyes.' What color is the moon? Exactly, yellow. Just like that Coldplay song, so that's Chris Martin's solo set, obviously. Then lastly, who's loading the silver seed into the spaceship? Gavin Rossdale, duh! Although Wolfmother is Australian, and those Australians like to load things. Anyway, I heard you can predict the next California governor using 'Cortez the Killer' ..." (SP)

THE BRIDGE SCHOOL BENEFIT will be held Saturday, Oct. 24, at 5pm and Sunday, Oct. 25, at 2pm at the Shoreline Amphitheatre, 1 Amphitheatre Pkwy., Mountain View. Tickets are $39.50–$150. (877.598.6659)

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