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All That Biter: What Would Carson Do? IF 16-YEAR-OLD girls could vote, MTV host Carson Daly would be executive-in-chief by now, barely edging out Aaron Carter and Freddie Prinze Jr. Daly is slick on the mic with his Last Call With Carson Daly talk show, but how would the ex-KOME jock, ex-Tara Reid fiancé and current Total Request Live tool handle recent events? A man shot and seriously wounded a Baltimore priest accused of molesting him eight years ago. WWCD?: Carson almost became a priest, so this dilemma would hit close to home. He would go on TRL and denounce the shooting. Anger management and sexual assault hot-line phone numbers would flash underneath. Then he'd bring out his guests: an expert on sex-related crimes, a priest and ... Kid Rock. They'd talk about how wrong it was; the priest would plead forgiveness for both parties; and then Kid Rock would play an acoustic version of "Only God Knows Why." Kid Rock would give a shoutout to his homeboy Joe C. Then he'd play the latest video from Lil Romeo. After saying he had no plans to raise taxes, Gray Davis unveiled a plan to fill an estimated $23.6 billion budget shortfall with spending cuts and tax increases. WWCD?: Carson would not resort to tax increases. Instead, he'd put together a DVD/CD of his favorite TRL moments, fattened up with an unseen episode of Carson on Cribs and outtakes from Josie and the Pussycats. There would be bonus performance tracks by his buddies P-Roach (Papa Roach), Smash Mouth, Kid Rock (again), Fred Durst and Destiny's Child. All proceeds would benefit the budget shortfall. Then, when they plug the DVD/CD on Last Call With Carson Daly, Carson would compare double chins with Steve Harwell. They'd laugh and give each other a "pound." Former President Jimmy Carter told Cubans in a nationally broadcast speech that the U.S. should take the first step in reconciliation with Cuba. WWCD?: Oh man, Carson would hella kick ass here, word. Carson would first get back together with Tara Reid and announce they were engaged. The wedding would happen live on TRL with his tuxedo made by Abercrombie & Fitch. Jennifer Love Hewitt would be maiden of honor, and Fred Durst would be best man. Vin Diesel would call in and wish the new couple good luck. Then *NSync and the Backstreet Boys would appear at the reception, put aside any differences they had and sing a medley of their hits to the couple. This would inspire the United States to reconcile with Cuba. Carson would get on TV and wish both countries "much love" and send "crazy shouts" to J-Car and F-Cast. What what?! A 4.9 earthquake hit the South Bay last week, rattling nerves and reminding all we live in earthquake country WWCD?: Remembering his short time at KOME, Carson would get on Last Call and send "mad love" to his homies back in Silicon Valley, reminding them to check their emergency supplies. Then he'd demonstrate what he does when earthquakes hit, rushing over to a doorjamb. Then Carson would get all crazy with his ironic ebonics--"What the dilly yo? Y'all gon' make me lose my mind, up in here, up in here. Raise the roof, for real, no diggity." Old Compaq Center Signs to Be Recycled as Giant Art Project SAN JOSE--After Hewlett-Packard Chief Executive Carly Fiorina announced her intention to change the name of San Jose's Compaq Center to the "HP Pavilion," many wondered what would become of the more than $1 million worth of old Compaq signs headed for the junk heap. The wondering stopped today, as officials confirmed a rumor that the signs would be donated to San Jose's Arts Council and recycled as a giant Scrabble game board. San Jose's reputation as a city receptive to giant game boards was kindled last fall, when it was revealed that a giant Monopoly board would be installed in Discovery Park. With the announcement from Hewlett-Packard that a giant Scrabble board was in the works, this reputation has been cemented. City officials would not comment on rumors that they were considering adopting some sort of games-friendly city slogan, such as "There are no 'Losers' in Silicon Valley," or (sources implied), "The Games People Play Are in San Jose," although one City Councilmember did say (off the record) that "that slogan would look good on a T-shirt." City officials were not sure of the intended location of the giant Scrabble board and would also not comment on the problem that an overabundance of "Q"s might create in any intended scoring system. Relationship Makeover Relationship contortionist It's spring, and a perfect time to rework your relationship. But there are so many gurus out there--who should you believe? Relationship Makeover is here to help. In the next two weeks, we'll show you how to improve your relationship based on one simple concept: the problems you're having are either all your fault, or they're all his/her fault. Once you "accept" this simple concept, you must contort yourself into changing. How? Let us tell you ... Be More Thin The most perfect embodiment of beauty, the physical goal for every thigh-defiant bingeing/purging 13-year-old girl and 50-year-old sagging gay man alike is the thighless, assless, androgynous boy. Be that boy. Be More Sexy Who was the original sex object of your youth? Bugs Bunny in drag, obviously. Get back to your roots with the beauty secret you learned in kindergarten: Glue on those false lashes and watch your honey bunny melt in your paws. Be More Rich There are two kinds of people. And neither wants you if you can't pay them. Some prefer cash, which can be obtained risk-free by tricking people into giving you cash by lying to them (see Enron). The other kind of person likes credit, i.e., jewelry, which can be obtained NOT (repeat, NOT) via vending machines but via the Home Shopping Channel. Go there now. Next week: It's all his/her fault. I Saw You: Bar Crush Illustration by Jumma Jahdid I saw you catch me unaware. I know you felt my stare. When you're working behind the bar, I play my cards all wrong. You laugh and ask for a cigarette. I wrote a poem about you. I bet you didn't know your happy-hour flower has a crush on you. I wonder if you have someone nice to go home to at night. And I wonder if they love you and your weird, wild ways. And I wonder what my boyfriend would do if he only knew I dream of tasting your tattoos. Maybe he'd pay more attention to me then. Send us your anonymous rants, love notes, or diatribes about your co-workers, bosses, enemies, secret crushes, or any badly behaving citizen who gets your dander up. Send to: I Saw You, Metro, 550 South First, San Jose, 95113, or . 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