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'C' Is for Candor

By John Whalen

"...Studies have shown that cigarette smoking has been linked as an important risk factor for emphysema, heart disease, lung cancer and other serious problems."

--Thomas Lauria, assistant to the president of the Tobacco Institute, quoted in Time magazine, 4/18/94

"Gentlemen--and lady--of the board, in a moment I shall unveil Primo Tobacco Company's dramatic new product line. But before I do the honors, allow me, as chief executive at Primo, to explain the philosophy behind this bold and fresh direction, which I'm confident will fill you with pleasure and satisfaction.

"It's no secret that smokers' rights are under siege by the FDA, the EPA, the media and other strident forces. Admittedly, the term 'Smoker Holocaust' may be a bit of an overstatement, but given the current Zeitgeist, there's no telling where the heinous policy of smoker cleansing will lead. If we're going to counter this anti-tobacco McCarthyism, we've got to start fighting back.



"And that means we can no longer avoid the--quote--'health issue.' Let's be honest: Faced with mounting medical evidence, even the stalwarts at the Tobacco Institute aren't so quick to deny the 'C' word these days. I'll say it, too: Cancer. OK. That felt good. A little peculiar, but good. And by using that word openly and unabashedly, I've reclaimed it from those who would use it as a weapon against us.

"Which brings me to our new direction at Primo. It's political, it's controversial but most of all it's refreshingly blunt--in a hard-to-pin-down way. In short, it's American. And it's sure to bring provisional nonsmokers into the smoking family--countering that crisis we know as 'The Butt Gap.' Now, I'll ask Miss Southern Tobacco-Growing-States 1995 to raise the curtain behind me and light up, as it were, the future!

"Members of the board, I give you Bluff Cigarettes, the in-your-face, don't-tread-on-me taste experience! Bluff is the family name we've chosen for a lineup of separate products, each aggressively geared to a specific target audience, each brand with a brassy attitude designed to take the 'health question' by the horns and amplify what we see as the coming backlash against anti-smoking bigotry.

"I direct your attention the flagship of the Bluff family: CancerShmancer Kings. Why CancerShmancer Kings? A good question. Our market research tells us that a significant segment of the male smoking universe is comprised of risk-takers, thrill-seekers, and rugged individualists who value the rebel ethic. We also know that these men resent unmasculine fear-mongering about the dangers of smoking. For them, CancerShmancer says, 'I got your heart disease--right here!' Note the defiant 'Oooh, I'm shakin'!' trademark slogan, which we've placed just below the Surgeon General's warning. We're considering a magazine ad campaign that would feature monster trucks spewing huge divots of Capital Hill turf into the air, with the caption, 'I'd rather fight than twitch--like some girly-man!!'

"In a more upbeat, though no less direct, vein, we're not unaware of the recent surveys indicating that angels are back and Americans are loving them. Americans want the social security of a comfortable afterlife, and who can blame them? Which is why we're offering Grace--Grace Menthols, that is, 'the Heavenly Ultra Lights.' Each pack is 'endorsed' by the image of St. Peter welcoming devout smokers to the Pearly Gates. Billboards and liquor store window displays will feature hunky seraphim and curvaceous cherubim entreating customers to 'Come to Paradise Country, where spiritual satisfaction is King (-size).'

"Of course, we haven't forgotten the needs of women, many of whom are choosing to have it all: Virginia Slims-style careers and motherhood. For too long, feminist cigarette brands have neglected these plucky career gals on the mommy track. That's why we'd like to stress the maternal aspects of smoking--while of course emphasizing the threat that anti-smoking fanatics and overzealous health nuts pose to family values. Thus, we will introduce Family Lights, 'because Mother knows best.'

"Our ad campaign will feature a heartless bureaucrat attempting to 'protect' a child from its mother's so-called 'second-hand smoke.' Our ads in women's magazines will feature a determined, yet fashionably svelte, matriarch warning a meddling Environmental Protection Agency official to stick to 'Superfund sites' and 'leave the mothering to Supermom!' Other ads will be somewhat more direct, simply stating, 'Don't take my baby!!!'

"Not all of our new products tackle the 'health issue' head-on, but they're no less ballsy, no less Bluff. For instance, with demographic precision, we've created X Pride Filters, an urban product for those valuing independence from 'the Man' who wants to ghettoize proud smokers. 'Yo,' X Pride subway placards will declare in the popular cant of the day, 'Keep your smoke-free hypocrisy/Your economic bigotry/It's all a Jew-ish conspiracy.'

"We also plan to introduce Bill o' Rights domestic-blend cigarettes. Bill o' Rights will appeal to smoking 'patriots of all stripes, red, white and blue.' Our billboard ad campaign will depict the Founding Fathers enjoying a tobacco-enhanced, early Dockers-like moment as they 'John Hancock' the 'Declaration of Smoothness.' Of course, we'll stress the natural tie-in to smokers' rights, which we call 'the Right to Bear Butts.' A parallel advertising campaign, designed to counter misguided attempts to tax tobacco products, will feature a shirtless minuteman bogarting his Bill o' Rights and warning, 'Taxation of Taste Sensation? That's Tyranny, man!' Another ad will feature a buff patriot defending his smokes from a marauding United Nations black helicopter.

"Of course, we're well aware of the legal limitations of this gloves-off marketing approach. For instance, it goes without saying that we would never market our tobacco products directly to children. On the other hand, one legitimate market segment we've neglected for too long are smoking paleontologists. For them, we've created Jurassic Smokes, with packaging that features Joe Jurassic, a cool skateboarding dinosaur. Are Jurassic Smokes a bargain? You bet: They come in low-cost packs of six, for paleontologists in the field carrying more fossils than pocket money.

"For those of you still concerned about legal liability, let me assure you that not even our boldest new products--CancerShmancer, Nicoteens and Carpe Diem! (our brand for seasoned smokers mature enough to accept the fact that life is finite)--make any sticky health admissions, at least none that a would-be plaintiff could possibly curl his yellowish fingers around. Gentlemen--and lady--you can't prosecute attitude!

"But you can be up front about the fact that Americans are free to choose healthier lifestyles. Which is why we created Quit, the low-tar choice of budding ex-smokers and former ex-smokers alike. As it says on the carton, 'When it comes to smooth, satisfying taste, winners never quit quitting with Quit!'"

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