It’s Christmas morning. (I know its June, but work with me.) As you descend the stairs in your slipper-clad feet, you can hardly believe your eyes as you catch sight of the massive pile of presents spilling out from under the tree. Your elation grows as you come to realize that all of the parcels have your name scrawled on them.
Could it be true? Well, yeah… Sort of. The only problem is these aren’t the items you asked Santa for. Instead, these are gifts from distant family members. Weird distant family members. There’s the spinster aunt, still stuck in the ’90s, who hasn’t gotten the memo about vests not really being a thing anymore, and the ultra-stingy, new-rich uncle who makes sure to spout about the virtues of Trump every chance he gets.
It’s, OK. Breathe. None of this is real. Well… it sort of isn’t real.
By now you’ve probably heard: Ticketmaster has given away a veritable shit-ton of vouchers for free concerts. If you purchased any concert tickets from the vendor between the years 1999 and 2013, chances are you’ve got some vouchers under your proverbial Christmas tree right now.
Unfortunately, you can’t use those vouchers for just any show. Instead, there is a list of predetermined shows from which voucher recipients may choose. And just like the gifts your weird relatives laid at the foot of your imaginary Christmas tree, these shows are of questionable quality.
No offense to The Counting Crows and Rob Thomas (one of the shows on the list). “Mr. Jones” is our karaoke jam and we’re at an age now where we don’t always change the station when “Smooth” comes on the radio. When we say “questionable quality,” we are speaking from the perspective of the suits at Ticketmaster (and LiveNation, the promoter of all the shows for which vouchers have been made available).
You see, as has been noted by the audiophiles in our office, and snarky bloggers (hi!) all over the internet: all of these shows that Ticketmaster is offering up in a half-assed mea culpa for it’s decades of skullduggery, seem to be shows that just aren’t selling that well.
So what to do? How do you decide upon which shows you’d like to spend your hard-earned vouchers? Well, the answer is you don’t. Because we’re going to do what impossibly pretentious music bloggers do best and just tell you how to use them. Welcome to Christmas In Late June: Presented by Uncle Ticketmaster and Aunty LiveNation:
1) Pitbull! Go to Pitbull. But wait… is Pitbull a cult leader???? Check out this picture:
And this one:
Plus this:
OK… So… Moving on:
2) Daryl Hall & John Oates @ Concord Pavilion
This is basically a key party, which is kinda like a play party—only where the women don’t get to choose which guy they go home with and everyone is a little less insufferable than the play party Burning Man bros who insist on talking your ear off about The Ethical Slut and More Than Two.
3) MERRY JANE presents: Snoop Dogg & Wiz Khalifa: The High Road Tour @ Concord Pavilion
A Broad City episode about a key party. With weed.
4) Blink 182 @ Shoreline Amphitheatre
These days, Blink-182 is in an interesting spot. Already one of the biggest rock bands in the world, after the former primary songwriter left to pursue UFOlogy (for reals) the band tapped Alkaline Trio’s Matt Skiba to replace him and essentially become a corporation before our very eyes. One of the more astonishing moves in recent rock memory, this seems half like a power-play from a reality show playbook and half like the best idea the band had since Enema of the State
5) Dolly Parton Pure & Simple Tour @ Shoreline Amphitheatre
We’ve heard that this is already a hard show to get into, so vouchers might not work, but this seems to be one of the few serious entries on the list that will please people of all ages. They say sincerity is coming back, and Dolly Parton has always been deeply sincere in a way that has connected with generations of music fans. The woman is like America’s proto-Morrissey.
6) Boris performing Pink in its entirety @ The Fillmore
Japan loves subgenres and inventing new subgenres. Shoegaze-metal might have been popularized and perfected by much loved locals Deafheaven, but it was arguably created by Japanese band Boris on their 2005 album Pink, a kaleidoscopic trip through some heavy psychedelia. That record has become a modern classic to many, mostly due to the strength of its sequencing and track flow, so seeing the band play the whole thing front to back is a real treat for anyone who likes heavier music.
If none of these choices are up to your standards, take a gander at the full list—just below this sweet-ass mid-’90s music video:
6/28 Flight of the Concords Sing Flight of the Concords @ Shoreline Amphitheater
6/29 Femi Kuti & The Positive Force @ The Fillmore
7/4 San Francisco Symphony with Fireworks @ Shoreline Amphitheater
7/7 Rascal Flatts Rhythm & Roots Tour @ Shoreline Amphitheater
7/9 G-Easy & Logic: The Endless Summer Tour @ Toyota Amphitheater (Wheatland, CA)
7/9 Pitbull: The Bad Man Tour @ Shoreline Amphitheater
7/9 Bryan Adams: Get Up @ Concord Pavilion
7/12 DCX World Tour MMXVI @ Shoreline Amphitheater
7/13 DCX World Tour MMXVI @ Toyota Amphitheater (Wheatland, CA)
7/15 Darius Rucker: The Good For a Good Time Tour @ Shoreline Amphitheater
7/16 WaggakiBand: 1st US Tour – Deep Impact @ The Fillmore
7/22 The Jayhawks @ The Fillmore
7/22 Brantley Gilbert: Take It Outside Tour 2016 @ Shoreline Amphitheater
7/28 Sublime With Rome Summer Tour 2016 @ Concord Pavilion
7/28 Keith Urban RipCORD World Tour @ Shoreline Amphitheater
7/29 Korn & Rob Zombie: Return of the Dreads Tour @ Shoreline Amphitheater
7/29 Dead & Company @ Toyota Amphitheater (Wheatland, CA)
7/31 Weezer & Panic! At the Disco – Summer Tour 2016 @ Shoreline Amphitheater
7/31 Brantley Gilbert: Take It Outside Tour 2016 @ Toyota Amphitheater (Wheatland, CA)
8/13 Slipknot @ Concord Pavilion
8/13 Mariana Trench – SPF 80s Tour @ The Fillmore
8/14 The Noise Presents Periphery – Sonic Unrest Tour @ The Fillmore
8/18 Jason Aldean: Six String Circus Tour 2016 @ Toyota Amphitheater (Wheatland, CA)
8/19 Disturbed & Breaking Benjamin with Alter Bridge & Saint Asonia @ Concord Pavilion
8/18 Jason Aldean: Six String Circus Tour 2016 @ Shoreline Amphitheater
8/24 Heart with Joan Jett & the Blackhearts and Cheap Trick @ Shoreline Amphitheater
8/25 Boris Performing Pink @ The Fillmore
8/27 Outcry Tour @ Concord Pavilion
8/28 MERRY JANE Presents Snoop Dogg & Wiz Khalifa: The High Road Tour @ Concord Pavilion
9/2 Journey & The Doobie Brothers with Special Guest Dave Mason @ Toyota Amphitheater (Wheatland, CA)
9/2 5 Seconds of Summer: Sounds Tour Feels Live Tour @ Shoreline Amphitheater
9/3 5 Seconds of Summer: Sounds Tour Feels Live Tour @ Toyota Amphitheater (Wheatland, CA)
9/4 Hot Summer Night Feat: Boyz II Men, En Vogue, K-Ci & JoJo, and More @ Concord Pavilion
9/9 Dierks Bentley: Somewhere On a Beach Tour @ Shoreline Amphiteater
9/10 Counting Crows & Rob Thomas @ Shoreline Amphiteater
9/13 Prophets of Rage – Make America Rage Again Tour @ Shoreline Amphitheater
9/18 Darryl Hall and John Oates @ Concord Pavilion
9/18 Catfish and the Bottlemen @ The Fillmore
9/24 Def Leppard @ Toyota Amphitheater (Wheatland, CA)
9/24 Dolly Parton Pure & Simple Tour @ Shoreline Amphitheater
9/25 Def Leppard @ Shoreline Amphitheater
9/28 Blink 182 @ Shoreline Amphitheater
9/30 Florida Georgia Line: Dig Your Roots Tour Presented by Nitto @ Toyota Amphitheater (Wheatland, CA)
9/30 Dave Rawlings Machine @ The Fillmore
10/1 Florida Georgia Line: Dig Your Roots Tour Presented by Nitto @ Shoreline Amphitheater
10/5 Blind Guardian with Special Guest: Grave Digger @ The Fillmore
10/8 Gwen Stefani: This is What Truth Feels Like Tour @ Shoreline Amphitheater
