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Sex and the Silicon Valley Who's doing what? Who's doing whom? And how many times? Metro's sex survey results give a prurient peek into our va-va-voom valley. By Traci Vogel with help from Tiffany Analla and Allie Gottlieb SEX. For a tiny little three-letter word, it sure gets people riled up. Since publishing our survey, Metro has been bombarded with faxes, emails, catalogs, outraged phone calls, more outraged phone calls--yes, let the record show that we have gotten more sex this past month than Enron has shredders. Refusing to be sidetracked, however, and tirelessly dedicated to our purely anthropological research, Metro's hardworking staff tallied every one of the hundreds and hundreds of sex surveys arriving daily, and a single overwhelming fact has surfaced: repetitive stress injury is no joke. That and ... what was the other thing? Oh, yes: Silicon Valleyites are hot! Hot for sex toys, hot for Internet porn and hot for one another in every way, from every angle, and with or without their mother's permission. We compiled your answers and your questions--and your votes for Sexiest People--in this first-ever Metro Sex Overview Thingy (MSOT). The results may be shocking. They may be revolutionary. They may prove to you that aliens exist. Or they may simply reinforce that lovely Mop Top truism: All you need is love. And what could be more timely than that? Happy Valentine's Day, from Metro. Odd Facts: Metro's sex survey uncovered some statistical curiosities. Sexiest Bartender: Stephanie Wolfe at Mission Ale House. Sexiest Hairdresser: Steve Husted at 5 Color Cowboy. Sexiest Artist: Lisa Dewey of Lisa Dewey and the Lotus Life. Sexiest Software Designer: Maf Vosburgh at Microsoft. Big Date: A lucky Metro reader wins a dream date. The Missionary Position Gender: Of the 616 total respondents, 59 percent gazed deep into themselves and identified as male, 40 percent as female. 0.5 percent said they were male-identified-as-female; 0.3 percent were female-identified-as-male; and 0.3 percent were unable, or unwilling, to identify their gender. Sexual Orientation: Sexual orientation was obscured a little because a full 18 percent of women said they masturbated more than they had actual sexual intercourse, as did a full 25 percent of men (!). 29 percent of the males, however, did shout out as heterosexual--and 3 percent as queer. 19 percent of the females were hetero; 1 percent were queer. Of the respondents, male and female, 2.9 percent called themselves bisexual. Age: 22.8 percent of the respondents were between 18 and 24 years old. 42.7 percent were 25 to 34. 20.9 percent were 35 to 44. 11.7 percent were 45 to 64. And a hardy 0.7 percent were 65 or over. Also, only 0.7 percent respondents were under 18, so call off the lawyers. Relationship Status: Looking for a date? Just about 26 percent of our respondents were single (no, we can't give you their names); 9.2 percent were dating more than one person; 24.9 percent were dating one person; 13.5 percent said they were "shackin' up" with the love of their life; and 24.9 percent were married (which may or may not be the same thing). Political Affiliation: Predictably, the plurality--34.1 percent--of the respondents were Democrats; 12.8 percent signed on as Republicans; 5.6 percent identified as Green Party; 5.3 percent were Libertarians; 1.7 percent called themselves Communists; and a spirited 24.5 percent said that politically they were "Independent"; 12 percent politically identified as "Other," a category that included such write-ins as "Don't Care," "I Hate Politics" and "Duck." Religion: A whopping 40.5 percent of sex-active Silicon Valleyites identify as Christians. Amen! 20.2 percent said they were atheists; 8.5 percent were agnostic; 2.5 percent were Jewish; 1.8 percent were Buddhist; 0.7 percent were Rastafarian. And somewhere out there in Silicon Valley's shadows, there are a few (1.8 percent) wily Wiccans and even fewer (0.7 percent) pagans. 12.5 percent identified as either "Other," "Nothing," the ever-popular "Duck" or declined to answer. Work: Although quite a few smarty-pantses wrote "money," in the blank after "I work for ..." (yeah, that's hee-larious) the unscientific career breakdown for sex respondents looks like this: 30.2 percent work for tech companies. 12.8 percent toil in retail. 7.8 percent work in education. 3.2 percent are self-employed. 2.1 percent work for nonprofits. 18.1 percent (ouch) are unemployed; and of these, 94 percent were laid off in the past year. 25.8 percent failed to fill in this category. One person claimed to work for the FBI. And Now for The Juicy Stuff Feels Like the First Time 14 percent of respondents lost their virginity at age 14 or under; 49.5 percent lost theirs between 15 and 18; 31.6 percent lost it between the ages of 19 and 25; 4.2 percent waited until 26 to 35; and 0.7 percent, although they responded to the sex survey, were still holding the key to their chastity belt. Whee! A full 91.1 percent of respondents lost their virginity with totally free (we mean free) will. Oops! 5.6 percent of respondents lost their virginity "accidentally." Boo! 3.1 percent of respondents lost their virginity forcibly. How Do You Turn This Thing On? 40 percent of our high-tech valley admits to having had online sex. 60 percent say they're not wired that way. Hello! The bulk of respondents (38.1 percent) said they had sex with another person one to three times a week; however, about the same amount (37.3 percent) have sex less than once a week. Almost 18 percent have sex four to six times a week; 4.4 percent have sex six to 10 times a week; and the horndoggiest 2.4 percent have sex more than 10 times a week. Equality of the Sexes Genderwise, men and women seem to be getting it on with equal regularity, with 38.7 percent of women doin' the nasty one to three times a week, alongside 33.3 percent of men. Palm Pilots 34.7 percent of respondents are masters of their own domain less than once a week; 37.5 percent take matters in hand from one to three times a week; 16.5 percent spend a little time with themselves six to 10 times a week. And a very athletic 3.2 percent get in touch more than 10 times a week. I'll Have What She's Having Nearly 28 percent of respondents said they had faked an orgasm in the past year, but just about 72 percent had kept it honest. Predictably, the breakdown by gender tells a different story: while only 14 percent of heterosexual men faked an orgasm, a full 50 percent of heterosexual women did. However, 23.5 percent of homosexual men had groaned in imitation pleasure, while only 20 percent of homosexual women had faked it. Hmmm. Dining In 86.4 percent of our generous respondents had given oral sex in the past year, while a stingy 13.6 percent had not. Interestingly, exactly 86.4 percent of respondents had also received oral sex in the past year, while a corresponding 13.6 percent had not. It just goes to show that what goes around really does come around. Genderwise, more heterosexual women (91.8 percent) have played in the horn section this past year than heterosexual men have (79.6 percent). The only category that was 100 percent orally generous? Bisexual women. Batteries Not Included 46.1 percent of respondents purchased a sex toy in 2001; 32.8 percent invented a sex toy out of household items; 41 percent used a sex toy, purchased or invented, on another person. Rhymes With Buck Absolutely no straight females, gay males or females, or bisexual females paid for sex in 2001. However, 14.6 percent of straight males and .2 percent of bisexual males handed over randy greenbacks. In every category but gay male, there was one respondent who had received money for his or her sexual entrepreneurial skills. Is That Your Hand? 9.3 percent of straight men had sex with more than one person at the same time; 4.2 percent of straight women had bumped up the numbers. And, proving that they are by far the best hostesses, 62.5 percent of bisexual females had sex with more than one person at the same time in 2001. Redevelopment's Secret Population-Control Plan 32 percent of Silicon Valleyites got intimate with someone they'd met over the Internet in 2001. In comparison, only 26.4 percent met their love bunny in a bar or club. That Kinky Glass Ceiling 18 percent of straight women had sex with a co-worker; 14 percent of straight men, er, fraternized. Economic Upturn 14.8 percent of respondents got laid with a layoff in 2001. Life Like Country Music In 2001, 18 percent of women and 22 percent of men cheated on their current partners; all 18 percent of the women also lied about cheating, while only 20 percent of the men did. Hallelujah High-Tech Here in our high-tech valley, it's no real surprise that a full 58.4 percent of respondents have downloaded Internet porn in the past year. What may surprise you is that of the respondents who had downloaded porn, 30 percent were also Christians. Reclining Seats 38 percent of respondents had sex on wheels last year; 36 percent of these window steamers were boys, and 41 percent were girls. The remaining 23 percent were just trying to find something they'd lost under the dashboard. If the Shrubbery's Rockin' ... Debunking the notion that men are better at barbecue than women, more girls (24 percent) had sex in a public park than boys did (19 percent). 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